Raising Mary: Do we overpraise our children?

Praise – the act of expressing approval or admiration – is a good thing for raising children, isn’t it? I started off six years ago praising a lot. “Good job“ this, “good job” that! One day, though, something I had just said, reflexively, made me freeze.

Two-year-old Mary had been running around, being silly and gleeful. “Good job running, Mary!” Say what? As soon as it came out of my mouth, the idiocy of the exclamation shot through the layers of my brain. Good running? Good freaking running?

Running is what able-bodied two-year-olds do. It doesn’t require exertion or skill; it comes naturally, like breathing. Mary was being braised in praise!

I realized if I kept on like this, she was going to expect cheers for waking up in the morning. Praise is a useful parenting tool, for when a kid is learning a new skill.

Praise your toddler who’s toilet learning and has just gone in the potty for the first time. But praise your six-year-old for the same? Ridiculous.

Mary’s in grade one and learning to read. At first, she was a little ambivalent about it. I insisted that she read with me every evening after school, and she gradually improved. When her teacher sent home a note that she had jumped a few reading levels, I turned on music and started dancing. She was shocked at my over-the-top whooping it up, but she giggled and seems to feel proud of herself the more her reading improves.

I’m not great at the “praise good behaviour and ignore the bad” philosophy, though. I haven’t once successfully ignored it when one of the kids pesters me incessantly when I’m on the phone. Some stuff you’ve just got to discipline so it doesn’t go on.

There’s a third kind of praise I use a lot. When we’re snuggling at bedtime, I often say something like “I’m so glad you’re my little girls.” It lets them know that despite whatever happened during the day, good or bad, I am happy to have them. My fouryear- old, Adelaide, throws her arms around my neck and says, “I’m so glad you’re my Mommy.” I’m soaking up that praise while it lasts!

Tracy Cooper is a stay-athome mother of Mary, 6, and Adelaide, 3.

Originally published in ParentsCanada, July 2012