THERE’S A LINE IN ROMEO AND JULIET where our lovestruck heroine is frustrated with her nurse, who tells her she is too out of breath to tell her the news of Romeo’s love for her. “If you’re so out of breath,” snips Juliet, to paraphrase, “then how do you have the breath to tell me that?”
Even Shakespeare knew well the brain of a lippy Elizabethan teenager. Call it what you like – insolence, lack of cooperation, willfulness – it can be a lightning rod for many family blow-ups as children enter adolescence. “At this age they are starting to be more aware of their own thoughts,” says Gloria Pan, a family therapist for CHIMO Crisis Services in Richmond, B.C. “Parents try to tell them what they should do and kids instinctively reject it. They have their own thoughts and it can become more and more challenging to communicate with them.” When parents are saying more than kids really need to hear, they sometimes tend to protect their own thoughts by talking back to parents or being argumentative, says Gloria. They don’t want to hear us.
So how do you get through to them? Take, for example, the 12-year-old who won’t clean his room. First off, says Gloria, don’t clean it for him if your aim is for him to do it. And if this is a new rule, be patient. Let him experience his messy room so he can learn first-hand that mould grows on a sandwich that is left under a pillow, or that it’s easier to find his Nintendo DS when there aren’t clothes all over the floor. “If it’s not a life and death issue, let him learn.”
Or how about the 11-year-old girl who one day unleashes a torrent of profanity? “Allow yourself to be curious about why your child is swearing,” says Gloria. “Ask what happened at school today.” Chances are the words were said to get your attention. “Try to look beyond the behaviour and ask why.” Above all, remain calm. When your child’s actions trigger your reaction and you try to force kids to cooperate, you tend to forget to explore what really happened.
Gloria has some other ideas for getting cooperation without the back talk:
- Be reasonable in your expectations. Are they age appropriate?
- Give choices, such as ‘Would you like to clean your room or do your laundry?’
- Be compassionate and respectful.
- Allow kids to try things by themselves. “They have an appetite for adventure and developing independence is part of that.”
- Give them some space to think and express their feelings.
- Understand that when children get older they want to have some ownership over their schedule and spend more time with their friends.
Published in October 2010.
