Help Me Sara: What's wrong with being shy?
By Sara Dimerman, Psychologist
on November 01, 2012
My six-year-old daughter is very shy. When she is with me I let people know
that she is shy and they seem to understand but now that she is in Grade 1 and I
can’t be close by, I worry that she will be uncomfortable socializing with the other
children. How can I help her climb out of her shell?
We often follow our child’s lead when it comes
to pulling away or moving in. When a child
is outgoing or a chatterbox, it’s easier to pull
back, knowing that your child can talk or fi nd
her way through different situations. When
a child appears more vulnerable or afraid, it’s
easy to jump in quickly – even to speak on her
behalf, as you say you do, so that she doesn’t
have to endure any discomfort. Unfortunately,
speaking on her behalf may only make it
harder for her to fi nd her own voice.
It’s true that temperament shows itself early
and can determine how a child handles social
situations. However, there are other factors:
• Parent example: A child may model
behaviours of a parent who feels less
comfortable in the company of others.
• Parent expectations: If a parent regularly
explains a child’s behaviour by saying he’s
“shy”, the behaviour may become a selffulfi
lling prophecy. In other words, a parent
may unintentionally perpetuate “shy”
behaviour by labelling it.
Actually, there’s nothing wrong with being
“shy.” Yet some parents urge their children
not to cling or hide behind them when out
socially. My reading of this is that parents may
think of shyness as a negative behaviour and
may feel that others, too, perceive their child
as lacking – in self-confi dence, for example.
Perhaps a reframing of shyness might help.
In fact, in some cases, a child’s pulling back
to observe and assess the situation before
deciding when and how to interact with
others may be better than jumping in with
great gusto. Your daughter may just need a
little more time to warm up to others.
When a child is very young, hiding behind
her parent may not be shyness, but her way
of saying that the situation is overwhelming
and that she needs her parent as a buffer. If
this happens to you, rather than forcing her
out from behind you, try to understand her
needs and let her come forward gradually.
On the other hand, try not to speak on her
behalf or overprotect your reticent child from
interacting with others.
Allow your daughter to emerge
at her own pace and recognize that there
are many different points between shy and
outgoing. Avoid labelling her as shy. This
will help her develop an ability to function
comfortably without you when she is in social
environments, such as school.
Sara Dimerman is a Psychologist,
author and parenting expert in
the Greater Toronto Area. Read
more at helpmesara.com.
Originally published in ParentsCanada magazine, November 2012.
By Sara Dimerman, Psychologist|
November 01, 2012