During her daughter Abby’s second year, Laurel Lavell felt like a Negative Nelly. “I found that I was saying ‘no’ to her all the time,” confides the mom of two from Waterloo, Ont. “I was trying to guide her behaviour and keep her safe, but it was becoming tiresome and irritating for both of us.”
Laurel was also concerned that constantly using the word “no” would make it lose its effectiveness. “I wanted to save ‘no’ for urgent and emphatic situations,” she says. “And I certainly didn’t want my daughter to start tuning me out at one year old!”
As a high school English teacher, Laurel decided to expand her vocabulary and employ a new strategy. “I realized I was relying on ‘no’ in every situation, so I started choosing more specific words,” she explains. If Abby approached the fi replace or stove, Laurel would firmly say “danger” and lead her away. If Abby pulled on the necklace Laurel was wearing, she’d respond by saying “gentle” and guiding Abby’s hand to touch it softly instead.
Finding alternatives to “no” can be worth the effort, according to Dr. Sandra Wiebe, associate professor of psychology at the University of Alberta, and director of the Alberta Brain and Cognitive Development Lab. “Constant negativity is frustrating for both the parent and the child,” she says. “Parents may feel ineffective if the child doesn’t comply, and children may feel as if they are only receiving negative attention."
A first step to cutting back on the need for “no” is to assess the home environment for potential safety risks. An age-appropriate play space that is free from hazards such as stairs, sharp corners and exposed electrical outlets helps keep toddlers safe and gives parents a break from having to verbally rein them in all the time.
In addition to choosing the right words, parents can also communicate more effectively through tone of voice. “Babies pick up on parental emotions through tone of voice and facial expression before they understand what the words mean, and this carries over into the toddler years,” explains Dr. Wiebe. This means that parents should pay attention not only to the words they’re saying, but how they say them. For example, saying the word “slowly” in a warning, measured tone will communicate the idea of proceeding with caution.
As with most behaviour strategies, positivity and praise are key components to help little ones learn to make good decisions. “Ultimately, parents want children to internalize their standards and regulate their own behaviour, even when mom or dad isn’t around,” says Dr. Wiebe. “A factor that seems to promote this process is a warm, positive relationship with the parent. One study found that toddlers who had more positive interactions with their mothers were better at complying with their mothers’ instructions not to play with some attractive toys, even when unsupervised.”
Cutting back on “no” isn’t about monitoring your toddler any less; it’s about using more meaningful words to direct her behaviour. Laurel applied this tactic with Abby and was able to avoid the “tuning out” effect—hopefully for good, or at least until the teen years.
Originally published in ParentsCanada magazine, Winter 2017.