Is grooming your kids gross or mom's natural instinct?
By Erin Dym
on April 19, 2013

It’s a parent’s job to teach kids
proper etiquette, but sometimes,
even as a parent, I forget my
manners. It’s why I will withdraw
snot from my kid’s nose using my
thumb and pointer finger (softer
than a tissue). Or why on occasion
– and with great satisfaction – I
will pick balls of brown wax out
of their ears. In the absence of wet
wipes, I’ve been known to lick my
fingers and vigorously rub dried
ketchup off their chins before
taking them out in public.
These grooming tasks are things
I promised myself I’d never do.
This behaviour sets a bad example
for my kids. It’s gross, unhygienic,
and, above all, who wants to
be licked and picked at? Try as
I might, sometimes I just can’t
help myself. It’s led me to wonder
whether there is something
instinctual about this grooming
process; perhaps an evolutionary
urge that is just too powerful for us
parents to prevent.
Believe it or not, I may be on
to something. “Many primates
spend a large portion of their day
grooming one another,” says Joyce
A. Parga, a primate behaviourist
and Assistant Professor in the
Department of Social Sciences
at the University of Toronto at
Scarborough. “Offspring always
receive much grooming. Like other
anthropoids (a primate group
that includes humans, monkey
and apes), we ‘groom’ with our
hands. Grooming is great for
strengthening social bonds and
serves another useful function:
it helps to remove dirt and other
debris – as well as external
parasites – from the fur.”
Hmmmm … so it’s a good thing
that I groom my children with my
own hands?
Joyce says, “Looking at
human behaviour through an
evolutionary lens, one could say
that human parents fussing over
their children – doing things like
cleaning noses, ears, and mouths
– is analogous to grooming among
non-human primates. These
human behaviours may have their
evolutionary roots in our distant
past, when such grooming helped
to keep our offspring clean and
healthy.”
But there’s more: in non-human
primates, grooming has been
shown to lower stress hormones
(both for the groomer as well as
the individual being groomed), so
it’s a calming activity, Joyce says.
“It also serves as an important
activity for primates to engage in
when they are reconciling after a
fight. Therefore, grooming among
primates serves many social
functions and aids in general
hygiene.”
It seems like I’m being guided
by instinct, but I also instinctively
know that what I’m doing is
disgusting. How do I know if I’ve
crossed the line? Or will that only
happen when my kids get to a
certain age or if I do it in public?
When is enough enough and when
is picking my kid’s nose just plain
rude?
“If you see someone else fussing
over their kids in public and
it makes you squeamish, you
shouldn’t do it yourself,” says
Louise Fox, owner of The Etiquette
Ladies and host of mannerstv.com.
“We also shouldn’t groom
our kids in public – it’s a private
activity – and we shouldn’t do it if
the child is old enough and capable
enough to do it themselves. Just
hand them a wipe and let them
clean their face.”
“Did you ever pick your kid’s
nose and lick their face?” I dared
to ask our etiquette expert. She
laughs: “All moms do that until
our kids tell us to leave them
alone!”
What our Facebook friends say
“Try dealing with people
with infectious diseases
on a daily basis or in
an environment where
superbugs run wild and you
will think twice before you
lick your thumb and wipe
your child’s face. It’s for
your protection and theirs
that you don’t do this.”
– Danielle D.
“I derive great pleasure
from getting a boogie or ear
crud off my daughter.”
– Jackie K.
“I frequently find myself
wiping my daughter’s face
with my slobbery fingers!
She’s now old enough to
pick her own boogies, but I
used to do that, too.”
– Susan P.
“The odd time I would
use my finger to wipe away
face food, but I try not to use
my bare hands to perform
hygiene maneuvers. Usually
it leaves me feeling sticky or
icky.”
– Jennifer
Originally published in ParentsCanada magazine, May/June 2013.
By Erin Dym|
April 19, 2013