I Loved Co-Sleeping But Now I Hate It—What Can I Do?

So you loved co-sleeping for the first few months (or even years!) of your child’s life. But what happens when you want to break the habit? We asked sleep expert Alanna McGinn for guidance.

Co-sleeping is one of those contentious topics (much like breast versus bottle and disposable versus reusable diapers) that we can’t seem to stop talking about, so it’s not surprising we decided to bring it up here. Whether you love it or not (some of us do, some of us don’t), we wondered: What if you do it with your child and then, quite frankly, you’re tired of it? What do you do if you decide it’s not for you anymore? We asked Alanna McGinn, CEO and founder of Good Night Sleep Site, for her advice. Here’s what she told us.

ParentsCanada: What are some of reasons why parents dislike (or end up disliking) co-sleeping? 

Alanna McGinn: I just want to make a quick point that co-sleeping is both bed-sharing and room-sharing. Most people just think of it as bed-sharing only, but that’s not the case. One of the most common reasons parents might end up disliking co-sleeping is comfort. There’s so much broken sleep during the night having a child in bed, sometimes parents are sleeping separately when they want to sleep together, and it can end up that no one in the family can get a great, restorative sleep because it’s fragmented. This can become a problem. Safety is also always a concern. There are safety concerns when safe sleep practices aren’t being implemented, such as what we call “reactive bed-sharing,” which is when parents are pulling their child into bed with them for the last few hours of the morning so everyone can get in that extra sleep. That’s when thing can become unsafe. There also can be some form of resentment that gets built up over time—parents can resent their child for keeping them awake, and they can resent their partners. One parent might resent the other for not helping, and the other might have hard feelings about having to sleep in a different place because of the bed-sharing.

ParentsCanada: Some parents (plus some media, television/film, influencers, etc.) romanticize co-sleeping with a little one, but for some people, it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. What are parents who were keen to do it, enjoyed it and then decided it simply wasn’t working for them supposed to do? How do you make this major change with an infant? 

AM: Putting the proper sleep plan together is important, whether you’re taking on that sleep plan yourself or working with a certified sleep consultant, this is where you want a consistent, age-appropriate sleep plan to help your child start to feel safe and secure in their own space. So, if we’re transitioning a baby or toddler into their own crib or bedroom, it’s really important to be as consistent with that sleep space as possible—both for naps and for night sleeps. Consistency is key, so create a safe sleep environment and have baby follow the “ABCs of safe sleep”—babies should be sleeping alone, on their backs and in their own safe sleep environment (made up of their own certified safe crib, a firm mattress, a fitted crib sheet and that’s it). The environment should also be cave-like, in that the room should be dark, quiet and cool. Being consistent with their sleep space for naps and night sleep is a great starting-off point. I always tell parents the only way your child is going to get used to their crib is by being in their crib—whether they’re asleep or awake—and feel safe and secure in that sleep space.

ParentsCanada: What if the child is a toddler or preschooler and you’ve simply had enough of sharing your bed and space with your tot for years. Now the child is older and is used to the routine, perhaps more than an infant would be, and dependent on their parent at nighttime. How do you make the change now? 

AM: It’s never too late to have your child feel safe and secure in their own sleep space. We work with a lot of families where toddlers are still bed-sharing with parents, and parents are done—they want their space back, they want to sleep together again, they want to sleep through the night again. Again, consistency is key. With toddlers, I always say it’s black or white, there’s no grey in the middle because if we give in one night and let them get into bed with you because it’s just easier to scoop them up and bring them into your bed, you’ve now erased all the other nights you haven’t done it. Conversation is also important here. At that age, it’s important to communicate your expectations—they’re old enough to understand that moving forward, they’re only going to be sleeping in their crib or bed, depending on their age. Let them know mom has her own sleep space, dad has his own sleep space and kids have their own sleep space. Say, ‘throughout the night you’re going to stay in that space and if you come out of your room, we’ll lead you back into bed. We’re not reading, we’re not playing, you’re not coming into my room, you are to stay in your sleep space.’ And then be consistent with that. Follow through. It’s all about creating that sleep plan and putting the plan together that has all the fundamental tools, including a consistent, safe and conducive sleep environment, and age-appropriate naptimes and bedtimes.

ParentsCanada: Let’s say one parent continues to love co-sleeping and wants to do it, but the other parent is over it. What’s a good way to handle this?  

AM: For parents who disagree on the environment for the child, it’s really important to try to be on the same page. This is where putting that sleep plan together and getting both of you on track will help. We’ve worked with a lot of families who disagree, but it has to be like any plan you put together for your child—it has to be a team decision and you have to work together because the plan itself is great, but the follow-through and the implementation of the plan could be hard. Partners need to work together and support one another. When one isn’t supporting the other, it will make these changes next to impossible. So, going into this plan and making these changes as a team and supporting each other is key.